Christopher Hanson
Bass/Vocals

Christopher was born across the sea to parents he never knew. Thankfully, someone found the basket in the ocean on which he had been floating on for months and months. He was starving, so his new-found parents fed him lots and lots. It appeared that he was never full. This would come into play later on in his life and was apparent by the fat head that he still has upon his shoulders to this day.

Christopher's childhood was normal for the most part with the exception of the time that he hit himself in the head with the handle-end of an old-fashioned butterknife for ten minutes causing 75% of the blood vessels in his head to explode and expanding the size of his head to abnormal sizes for a four-year old. Luckily he survived that attack, but that probably also attributed to the current size of his gigantic noggin.

Christopher picked up some drum sticks at age 10, but his parents didn't care for it. The band director needed a trombone (pronounced trahm-bone at the time) player in the band. Christopher hated the trombone at first, but in time, he grew to like it. He got pretty good at it and talked about it all of the time to everyone. His head grew.

In high school, Christopher had a number of girlfriends that all dumped him (except for one in 9th grade who turned out to be nuts anyhow). Christopher started composing songs- mostly ballads in the key of D minor. He had an exceptional temper which flamed up whenever John asked him if he could date Christopher's sister. Christopher would punch things when he was mad and beat his head against walls when he was sad (which was usually followed by a newly composed song in a minor key). Banging his head on walls helped his skull grow to it's current insane size.





Christopher graduated high school and joined the Army- yes, because of a girl. She was also insane. She liked guys in the Air Force, though, or at least he would find out later. He was heart broken about it and wrote a song, this one in C minor. Shortly after the breakup and discovery, he joined the Army. At basic training, they kicked his ass. For the first time ever, Christopher's head may have gotten smaller.

Christopher was assigned to the Army Band in San Antonio where he learned the ropes of playing in rock and pop bands and the such. He picked up the bass guitar on a tip from a fellow trombone player who simply said, "We never get gigs- we're trombone players. But, everyone needs a bass player..." It was good advice. With the help and ridicule of Jeremy Middleton, his best friend, he became a mediocre bass player. It was enough to get gigs. Christopher was happy. His head stayed about the same size throughout his enlistment.

Christopher eventually got out of the Army and went to school for a while in Fargo. During that time, he studied trombone under Dr. Kyle "The Gun Show" Mack. Not only did he get better at trombone, he also began to pronounce the word "trmbone" much like his mentor. Eddie would make fun of him for eternity. Christopher would eat because Eddie made fun of him. His head began to grow once again.

In time, Christopher realized that Fargo was no different from anywhere else- trombone players couldn't get gigs in this town either. So, he played more bass and got moderately descent at it and started a band. Patents Pending was his first love. The eight-piece band kicked ass for a while, but eventually had to come to an end. The impending result was the remaining loyal members who didn't quit and stuck together- the six members who are now a part of Helena Handbasket.

Christopher loves to rock and looks forward to rocking you harder than you've ever been rocked before. Just try to observe his rocking skills and not his gigantic head. He would really appreciate that.



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